Well the car is fully loaded and this post if for all those mums and dads out there at this time of year who are waving off their nearest and dearest as they head off back to university or wherever else they may be going, and a bit of advice on letting go if it’s your first time!
I can’t believe it’s come around to that weekend again! The weekend when university beckons and you are back to that empty house. The car is packed up with an equal ratio of alcoholic beverages and essentials, or are they the same thing?!? That big hug on the doorstep that never gets any easier, that emptiness you feel even though you’ve been silently muttering under your breath that you can’t wait for them to go back after a summer of picking up strewn clothes, wondering what time in the morning they will come in and what time in the afternoon they will get up. However, if like me you feel a little bereft, trust me, it wears off, you get used to them not being around and you will get over it.
Being a parent is one of the most rewarding but challenging unpaid jobs ever. They don’t come with instruction booklets do they when you get them and they are all different and unique. You spend all those years questioning whether you are doing and saying the right things, whether you are doing enough, wondering what sort of individual they will turn out to be. However they are all different and looking back now I wished I had spent less time worrying because despite the exact same upbringing my two are as different as chalk and cheese, both individual and both with their own strengths, but different strengths, and there’s a place in this world for everyone.
There was a social media post over the summer from our local village pub, thanking all the customers who continue to support them, it went on to say they had now got a few groups of university students that had frequented the pub a lot over the summer and, “what a lovely polite bunch they all are, a credit to their parents”. Now I took the positive from this! I could have read it as the fact that he’s spent all his student finance and almost all summer in the pub! However, I’m focusing on the ‘lovely polite bunch’ bit of the quote and thinking I must have done something right.
Then along came the Duke of Edinburgh’s Expedition report for the youngest which read, “Your team appreciated your entertainment value”. Now for anyone who writes reports on children or who works in a school that’s a polite way of saying your child has been the class clown and the joker all week! At Junior school I used to dread that, “Could we just have a word with you mum” at the end of the day as you went to pick them up, that pang of, “Oh no what have they done now”, usually fidgeting or chattering as sitting still and concentrating was not his thing. However the next line on this report went on to say “Your funny conversations kept morale high, a great success, well done!” And I actually thought do you know what, that’s lovely.
What I’m trying to say is if you have a class clown, one that has a social life larger than life or one that breaks the mould in any other way please let it go, do not worry or stress and try to make them fit the mould, they will find their way and you will only make them miserable and worry yourself to death trying to get them to fit the stereotype.
Here’s a bit of advice if you’ve got one leaving home for the first time and some of the mistakes I now see that I made in the first year which have not been repeated this weekend in year 2! I’m the first to admit that I found it very difficult to let them go. You give them wings so they can fly but when they went I so wanted to keep hold of that safety rope to make sure they did not fall, but if you hold too tightly onto the rope there’s actually a greater chance they’ll fall.
The first mistake I made was that I did absolutely everything in the first year. I took control and absolutely micro-managed the move from home to university 3 hours away and I found it so stressful. I bought everything he needed, I packed it, I drove him to university and I unpacked it all and set his room up. Why did I do this? Looking back now it was to make me feel better – so I could leave knowing I had provided him with everything he needed. While I unpacked his stuff he laid on his bed keeping up with his posse and his band of admirers on social media! He had more kitchen equipment that a Michelin starred chef, a First Aid kit that would have been the envy of most hospital A&E departments, and a full array of cleaning products. DO NOT DO THIS!
Firstly, most students do not clean, some do, and hats off to you if you have one that you’ve trained to clean. All the cleaning products came back unused. Do not buy them! Do yourself a favour and save some money, they will get them if they need them. If your child is a long way from home and you go to visit them just stop at the closest service station to use the toilet before you get there. Whatever you do, do not under any circumstances use the student toilet. If you must, just make sure you hover, do not sit, if you sit on the seat for any longer than 30 seconds you will stick and have to be surgically removed.
Secondly, make sure they unpack their own stuff, or even better go with you to get it and then they know what they’ve got, AND what to do with it! Not only did he have washing capsules, he had fabric softener and scent booster. However, it was only after four months when he returned home for a visit and the house was filled with a constant musty aroma and he was asked to demonstrate his use of a washing machine did it become apparent that washing products had not been used for the full four months! Then there was the week when he was very ill with tonsillitis and his flat mates rallied round him to donate their medication while his expedition First Aid Kit languished in the back of his cupboard.
Now, I absolutely love him to bits and none of this was his fault, it was mine!! So don’t make the same mistake as me, let go of the safety rope and let them fly, there’s much less chance of them coming crashing down if you do.
This year I’ve done the absolute opposite! My only contribution has been the offer to pay for, but not do, the first food shop. My only mistake is that I omitted to say that it was not to include the beer for the housewarming party! He’s packed all his own stuff and to make sure I did not interfere I didn’t even go to take him back, I stayed at home. I got a video call late afternoon for my virtual tour of the house and was quite pleased to see that everything looked in order and he doesn’t actually need me. Now, I can foresee a few problems that would irritate me but I’m keeping my mouth shut. Think 6 teenage boys, at least 8 pairs of trainers each and a hallway the size of a postage stamp with no shoe storage. It did look a bit akin to a scene of destruction and the sports shop shoe sale rolled into one but hey ho, it’s not me that’s going to trip up over them every day, I’m sure they’ll work it out. Then there’s the fact that teenagers don’t sit up, they sort of slouch and drape themselves over anything they come into contact with, I’ll leave it up to them to work out how all 6 of them are going to get on the two small sofas. I’ve been advised by a very reliable source that after only two hours they have already acquainted themselves with the house of girls next door and agreed joint usage of their garden and Pryzm nightclub had already been agreed as Saturday night’s venue!
So with that all sorted I’ve well and truly let go of the safety rope to let them fly. I can’t wait to see how high they soar this year but as always, I’ll still be here to catch any crash landings, but hopefully we’ll get to after Christmas this year!
So if it’s your first year, be brave, let go, you will have done enough and you’ll be giving them the greatest gift, their independence and freedom.