I thought long and hard about posting this one but I actually think it delivers quite an important message, in amongst all the flower pictures from one of my happy places.
So what have I being doing this very weekend……..well I’ve been falling apart actually. So I’ve been to a happy place in search of three of the things that cheer me up – flowers, food and sunshine. I’ll tell you about where I’ve been in a minute with lots of lovely photos interspersed throughout, but none of me this weekend, as I actually do look like I’m falling apart, a bit like a panda having a bad hair day. Think dark circles, no sleep and a bit fraught looking. The trouble is these days, “I’m not OK”, is just something we don’t say often enough. There’s a stigma to not being Ok, particularly in the UK, and Yorkshire in particular. We are supposed to be tough! How many times has someone said to you, “Are you OK?” and you have said “Yes” when the real answer is “No I’m falling apart, can you just hug me for a minute while I cry on your shoulder.”
So what have I been doing this weekend. I’ve been doing exactly what I’m telling you not to do and telling everyone I’m ok when I’ve been falling apart, avoiding everyone and anyone and crying uncontrollably to myself in random places.
So, don’t believe everyone when they say they are ok, they might not be. We all look at things on social media and think what a perfect life someone has. But what you can’t see is everything else that’s going on in their life. You could use this blog as an example. If you look through it you would probably think I am a cross between the world’s greatest cake and pastry chef, a fit at 52 running machine and adventure junkie, and someone who swans around drinking cocktails and going out for lunch. What you don’t see is all the other, for want of a better word, ‘shit’ that goes on in the life of the Yorkshire Girl, and I’m sure the lives of most other people on the planet, which I’m continually keeping myself busy to avoid confronting, and well, quite frankly, this weekend it has really got me down and I’ve crumbled and sunk alone.
Facebook is another prime example, don’t believe anything that’s on there. I don’t post on there that often and have a very small select ‘friends’ group. I’ll update my profile pictures every now and again like I have done this weekend and I’ll send birthday messages, like I did last week to my youngest son, as Facebook seems to be the only way you can communicate with the younger generation these days. Otherwise I just use it to follow groups I’m in relating to running, adventure sports and other interests. On my profile picture update it looks like I’m having a lovely evening with my two boys, and I was, and of course that’s the message that I give to those that see. What you can’t see is that at that moment that photo was taken I also felt like being at home, in my PJ’s crying into a hot chocolate with a packet of digestive biscuits.
So why do we say we are OK? I think it because we are scared of the response we will get if we say we aren’t and we don’t want to be a burden to anyone. We are supposed to be the strong one who carries everyone else. We are scared we will be seen as weak, not being able to cope or worst of all you could get the response I got from my mother on Friday when I fell apart and actually said I was not ok…………..”Pull yourself together!”. Whatever you do, do not say that to someone! It’s really not helpful. The fact that they have told you they are not ok probably means they have tried to pull themself together and can’t see the way, they are looking to you for a hug, an ear to listen and a bit of direction as they see you as being the one person they can turn to. It’s at moments like that, I wish I had a sister.
I remember being on the Camino and I reached a café in a small hamlet just before a place called Carrion de los Condes. Outside sat a French man. I would guess he was in his early 60’s and he was sobbing uncontrollably. Instinctively, I asked him if he was OK and gave him a hug. He assured me he was fine (which could have been a good thing as my French is very rusty) and that was that. Then I saw him later that evening, much more composed by now, and he actually came to speak to me (in English) to thank me and tell me how much that hug meant at that moment. I have no idea what his name was or anything else about him, why he was crying, nothing, but what I learnt from that was that a small act of kindness goes a long way.
So the challenge for you this week is to ask someone if they are ok and give them a hug, they might just need it.
My challenge to myself for this week is to “Pull myself together!” No, I’m joking. The words a lady who I met on the Camino gave me were “If from today I do not continue walking on my path, searching far and living according to what I have learned on this journey, I have arrived nowhere.” I’ve no idea where these words are from but they are wise words. So this week I am going to continue walking my path, even though I have no idea where it’s going, crying uncontrollably when I feel like it (but hopefully not all over my papers at work), challenge myself to say “No I’m not ok” if anyone asks me, and try to start to make sense of all the ‘shit’, as it’s about time I did. This is really not like me, I’m very smiley, strong and happy 99% of the time but I believe absolutely every one of us has days like these, even if we don’t admit it. It just feels like I’m surrounded by a huge broken jigsaw right now. All of these random pieces of different puzzles. The task is to be brave, work out which parts of the puzzle I need to keep, which parts I need to address, which parts I need to discard, and then work out how it all fits together again. Easy…………………not!
So where have I been. Well, I’ve sobbed my way around Sheffield Botanical Gardens in search of flowers and sunshine and the pictures are of all the lovely flowers I found . Half of them don’t have titles as I’ve no idea what they are but they did succeed in making me smile through my tears. Enjoy!
The gardens are amazing and for me they are one of the treasures of Sheffield. They are maintained by Sheffield City Council and are free to wander around. There are over 5,000 species of plants in 19 acres of parkland. Designed by Robert Marnock and opened in 1836 they contain a spectacular Grade II listed glass pavilion, restored in 2003 and containing tropical plants from all over the world.
I had not been here for ages and had forgotten how lovely it was. It was one of my go-to places in the summer of my maternity leave 20 years ago. I pushed that pram around there for miles getting my son to sleep and then collapsing on a bench to read my book with a coffee.
So that was the flowers and sunshine bit. Not too far away is Bragazzi Italian delicatessen and café, one of my favourites, so I had a flat white, lovely warm focaccia sandwich with Italian ham, melted scamorza cheese, San Marzano tomatoes, basil and olive oil. It was delicious!
And the other good thing to come out of the weekend is that the first crop of rhubarb is ready so it will be a lovely rhubarb crumble later!
So don’t forget, ask someone if they are ok, give them a hug and whatever you do don’t tell them to “pull yourself together”.